Every once in a while, Slate gets it right:
When the commissioner of television asked me to investigate the alleged illegal use of anabolic steroids in American Gladiators, I did not take the assignment lightly. If America can be said to have a national sport, it is this: jousting on platforms with oversized Q-tips, dodging tennis balls fired from a cannon, and scuttling like spiders across a Velcro ceiling. The men and women who call themselves gladiators are heroes to every child who dreams of one day wearing a codpiece on television.
Sadly, my investigation concluded that the veined, grotesque physiques of these mystical warriors were built by needles and pills instead of hard work and warm milk. Most of the illegal substances were procured from Laser, a former gladiator who currently lives upstairs from a Rite-Aid. I conducted four interviews with Laser, during which he was warned that failure to tell the truth could result in jail time, fines, and confiscation of his Atlasphere...
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